I already knew this year who my Secret Santa was going to be. She had already told me that she wished that she would get me, because I would be easy. Her answer for the easy present: beer. People love to get that one thing for everyone that they love, until they hate it. For years, my wife was the recipient of cats, the cuter the better, hanging from things , being kitteny , or playing on things that are adorable , generally on a calender, so you can plan your life in the cutest possible way ever. Another good friend of mine was blessed, if 'blessed' is unequivocal to 'bombarded', by the gift of things elephant related. In every instance, at least every that I've encountered, the person that gets that-one-awesome-thing-that-they-love-and-only-desire burns out and lets everyone know that they have plenty of porcelain elephants , cat calenders , pogs , hamster collars , or what have you . I don't know that this will ever be my problem, if beer is what people think I always want.
How exactly should I feel in knowing that people consider alcohol, specifically beer, to be my favorite thing? At the moment, I feel pretty good about that, even though my future, red nosed, cirrosis of the liver inflicted self may disagree. Hey, if people want to shower me in beer, I'll take it. While my Secret Santa wouldn't be able to buy it for me, at least not able to buy it and actually give it to me at work, her plan was to get a gift certificate that said 'For Beer Only '. And I'll take and honor that gift certificate for anyone willing to send it to me, I promise.
Christmas has been little more than a compilation list of things I want for about fifteen years, which is great, as I'd always wanted all of the creativity distilled from gift giving and condensed into a top ten list that would make Nick Hornby jealous. Since I already knew who my Secret Santa was, I figured I'd play around with the Secret Santa list. My list included chinese throwing stars , for efficiently dispatching my enemies , especially if those enemies are ninjas and if I were Shinobi ; a cold fusion reactor , which will require invention; a PS3 that would probably gather dust like the Xbox 360; dinner with Neil Diamond that would be long a drunken, despite Mr. Diamond's best intentions; extra vacations days for pretending like work will be done, but which are actually for gaining weight by 9am mimosas ; beer , which is a gimme, but a delicious one; and food to maintain my stingy work practice of eating left overs.
What I didn't expect was to get anything off of the list, which I did. This is the second year in a row I've included chinese throwing stars on the list. There is a particular poetry to receiving a deadly weapon as a work place gift that I have to admire. And I really wanted to use it at work, but I don’t think I'm allowed to murder people yet.
So, the chinese throwing star has an image on it of John Wayne . I'm not certain what relationship John Wayne has to chinese throwing stars, but I'm fairly certain that wherever he is, most likely hell I'd hope, that he'd give his good lung to kill a chinese. What an asshole . I bet he's smoking about a thousand cigarettes an hour to lose weight in hell for his next acting job with Hitler. I hope he's forced to be in The Birdcage for the rest of eternity and his asshole tightens up so intensely that he can crush coal into tiny diamonds that work into his bloodstream and tear up the head of his dick when he pisses. Commie hating son of a bitch.
I was told that the alternative to having the face of John Wayne on a choice communist weapon was having a Nascar logo /car emblazoned on the side. I have to marvel at the advertising prowess of both Nascar and the guy that talked the Estate of John Wayne into allowing his grinning republican ass on a glorified set of pocketknifes on a wheel that looks cut straight from Krull . Seriously, Nascar ? Why? Where is the crossover market? I mean, I know theoretically that market is The Peddler's Mall , but how many Nascar fans are out their clamoring for an ancient chinese stealth weapon? How many Shinobi fans are in love with cars driving quickly in a circle? I can just hear some redneck goon watching the race circle, wearing a druid cloak and a ski mask, threatening whoever rivals Dick Trickle for third place. Actually, I hope to whatever supernatural being you'd want to subscribe to that that exact situation has happened at least once on this planet. It will allow me to sleep better at night.
On a down note, I learned that The John Wayne Stealth Krull Star just doesn't cut it when you throw it at a wooden pallet. I have to get something to pop the spring mechanism back out so that I can fold up my stealth death wheel. We have to be safe with our ninja weapons, amirite ?
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