I Have A Dream

I periodically wish for the ability to teleport my farts. It is possibly my fondest wish in the entire world to watch any live televised event while eating anything with bell peppers and beans. It would always be with the utmost care put into strategic deployment of my gas. When a celebrity thanks God, I'll be there. When that squawking, shitbird from my wife's dancing show opens her mouth, I'll be there. I'll be there during any country music award, especially as it pertains to Toby Keith .

God struck my radio down. It had to be God or god or maybe even gods , but it was definitely supernatural and I presume that whatever did this to me had a beard and/or a toga , sat on a throne or at least lounged in a celestial hot tub , and dictated rotten things to happen in my life. I believe this had to be the case, because only the FM side of my radio was made extinct. It is inexplicable. Why, if not for the supernatural, would only the FM side of my radio be rendered inoperable, while the hated AM side be left to listenable? Goodbye NPR . Goodbye PRI . Goodbye classical music station that tempts my slumber while driving. Goodbye classical rock station that plays too much Bob Segar and has recently started playing music made during my high school career (I'm not ready to be classic, hello). Hello gospel station, sports news broadcast, and Republican radio. Sigh.

Having limited budget to replace my factory radio with my dream radio, which is essentially just an auxiliary input and one giant volume knob , I found myself gravitating towards Republican radio. Not because I like it, but because if I have to pick something in the AM radio garbage bin, I may as well learn something, or get a new perspective. I find it likely that at some point in the past, I've done something to someone that I've not yet atoned for, so being subjected to nasty, divisive, Republican rhetoric seems like an apt punishment. Ultimately though, it helps to know your enemy, so to speak. It keeps me on my toes.

I have my favorites, which is like choosing the smoothest pile of shit you find in an outhouse. I prefer Bill Bennett in the morning. Not because I agree with him, as I seldom do, but because he typically seems to consider the opposition viewpoint without making snarky, unnecessary comments. And he keeps his voice down. Really, I can hear everyone just fine. In fact, I wager that they have things called "power amps" and "mixing boards" in their studio. I propose that they use them to full effect and in the meantime, shut the fuck up. You can express yourself without talking over someone even when you disagree.

Unfortunately, Bill Bennett takes a lot of Friday's off, which typically means that we get to hear a guest host. I hope these people are not his friends, but I am most certain that they are. Even though he keeps it reasonable, if disagreeable, I still find it unlikely that we could hang out, but while I may typify my experience as tolerance, I am completely intolerant of the idiots he gets to guest host. The most common guest host is Rick Santorum . One of my favorite things to say about someone I don't like is that "I wouldn't give them a fart." In Rick Santorum's case I would gladly make an exception. In fact, if I had my druthers, I'd teleport it straight into his mouth on live radio. Fuck it, I'd do it right now if I could.

A few weeks ago he gave Obama grief for not mending the racial divide. Racist much? I didn't know it was up to the black guy to fix the race problem. At that, how would one suppose he accomplish this task? I'm into having a job (at least the earning money part) and in my friends and family having a job, so I'm content with him working on that. Between this stellar suggestion and his exemplary opinion of the homosexuals (and their terrifying agenda - oh my), I'd gladly shit straight into his mouth. Fuck it, full monty.